Autistic Burnout: Why We Keep Getting Sucked Back In

The Invisible Struggle

People by nature want to do the things they “should” do. It doesn’t feel good when we don’t. We might hear criticism from others around us scolding us or silently judging us for this or that unfinished task. But much of the time that criticism is internal. We think, “There’s no reason why I can’t do X when everyone else can.” 

This is why quieter, invisible differences often add up to louder, more amplified shame and mental health effects. Nobody else sees our internal struggle. WE don’t see how much easier things come for the neurotypical majority around us, and even when we do, we blame ourselves instead of offering self-compassion. The difference is invisible after all. It must be our fault.

But there are real differences. Nothing tells us this more concretely than Nervous System Collapse, also known as Autistic Burnout. Suddenly our brain and typical abilities “go offline” for weeks, months, sometimes years. All because we were over-extended and living out of alignment with our needs which no longer feel quite so invisible. And yet, we somehow still find a way to shame ourselves over it. 

The Acceptance-Expectations Cycle

But eventually, over time and lot’s of self-nurturing, we start feeling better. We’re finally on the upswing and goodness have we learned so much about our limits during burnout. Things will be different this time right? Unfortunately that’s usually not the end of the story.

This fluctuation in our capacity from a Collapsed State to “feeling better”, and our desire to be able to do all the “shoulds” keeps us stuck in a push-pull tension between acceptance and expectations. When our nervous system collapses, we move towards acceptance. Feeling better? Oh man do I need to catch up on X…eventually we over-extend ourselves…..back to burnout.

I’ve seen this pattern again and again with my clients. I’ve felt it in myself too. The not so graceful backslide into burnout once you feel better and start to re-enter life. When our capacity returns, often our old priorities do too, and man, we really should do X…

So how do we get out of this soul-crushing loop? 

We need to find a fuller acceptance for ourselves, our limitations, our needs…an acceptance that extends beyond our Collapsed State and translates to the parts of our lives for when we start feeling better too. 

We need to finally start saying “no” and learn to set boundaries around our needs on our good days as well..because we know what will happen eventually if we don’t. Overall, we need to find a fuller, more Radical Acceptance for ourselves so that we can find a life that is fulfilling and SUSTAINABLE for us, without all of the stops and starts between collapse and recovery.

As always, wishing all of my autistic people out there the warmth of self-acceptance, validation & community.

Warmly,

Rachel